By: Breanna Robinson
It's safe to say the element of compassion is needed in many aspects of any professional and personal interactions with people.
With this in mind, it’s also important to know the difference between compassion and people- pleasing. Yes, compassion and people-pleasing involves helping others who need it, but people-pleasing often involves someone subconsciously sacrificing their own boundaries and mental wellness to meet the expectations of others.
For something to be truly compassionate, it stems from the true kindness of one’s heart to quell the suffering of someone without compromising their integrity.
But how can you notice the actual difference played in daily interactions?
NYABJ spoke with Cazoshay Marie, a traumatic brain injury ambassador for the Model Systems Knowledge Translation Center, member of the Brain Injury Association of America’s Advisory Council, and founder of Resilient Roots support group for parents living with brain injuries who shared her perspective about how not to fall into the trap while aiming to do good deeds.
Self-sacrifice and its detrimental effects on well-being.
Marie, states that people are told and encouraged to exercise compassion that is actually detrimental to someone’s well- being is self-sacrifice.
“That can look like a lot of things, but it usually manifests in consistently giving of yourself to the point of harm, physically and/or emotionally,” she said.
“There can be situations that are unhealthy where individuals are told that they should be exercising compassion towards someone, but it can go too far and eventually lead to resentment, burnout or even health issues for the giver.”
Marie continued: “If it’s a circumstance where there is harm being done, compassion becomes detrimental, or even traumatizing, and that person should give themselves permission to step back, and draw whatever boundaries are necessary for their own health and well-being. Sometimes the best way to show someone compassion is to step back and let them figure it out for themselves.”
Why compassion and kindness are sometimes seen as weakness?
According to the disability and wellness activist, both facets of these gestures tend to highlight “vulnerability and selflessness”.
In our society, the message is often to look out for yourself above all else, and to put yourself above others. It’s every man for himself and when you essentially ‘make it’ on your own, without giving or receiving compassion and kindness, stepping on whoever you need to in order to get where you need or want to be, that’s considered strength,” Marie said.
“Showing compassion and kindness means doing the opposite of that. It means sometimes putting the needs and desires of someone else above your own. It means putting yourself out there and saying, ‘I’m here for you,’ or ‘I need help,’” she continued before adding that it takes a great deal of strength to do this for someone.
What are ways to show compassion to others while being mindful of your time and headspace?
Marie says that the best way to lend a compassionate hand while keeping yourself in a good headspace is to know when to not give when you have nothing to give.
“As a disabled person who is active in the advocacy community, I see this happen so often in the realm of caregivers. You have to know that you cannot give from an empty up. You cannot show compassion to others, without showing compassion to yourself. You must be able to draw boundaries when necessary and take time to take care of yourself. It’s important to know that you can show compassion and still say ‘no’ when you need to,” she said.
The advocate continued: “As much as many of us would like to, we can’t do everything for everyone, every time they ask. It’s also very important to make sure you are allowing time specifically for self care, whatever that looks like for you. Reading a book, taking a walk, going to the spa - whatever you enjoy.”
Marie noted that seeking a professional counselor to help someone learn and practice meaningful tools to protect their welfare as they continue to navigate compassion and kindness, set healthy boundaries, and exercise empathy and self-care in their lives.
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